Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Dear Dad

This is a writing, I have been thinking about for a while, I have tried the best  I can to portray my feelings.

Dear Dad.

I am not writing to you because I want to hurt you, or embarass you.
I have had those thoughts, but that's not how I feel now. I now feel sad, sad that we couldn't know each other, sad that our relationship ended so soon, and even started so late in my life.

You see, I was never hurt that we never knew each other while I was young. I had a full life. When we did finally meet I wasnt mad either. I wanted to learn about you, look at you, get to know you, and see what parts of you, were in me.
I instantly had a connection with you, a chemical connection. Your blood runs in my body. If it were not for you, I would not be here, litterally.

There are many differences between being a father and being a dad. And although you are biologically my father, you were never my dad. And when we met I wanted you to be.

I am not going to say, that I am not hurt. Because that would be a lie.
The circumstances that led to our falling apart, were large and out of my control.
Everyday, I think about you, I dont tell others about these thoughts, because to them, you are a memory, a mistake. And I let them think that, Because in a way, I should feel this way.
You left me. Twice. You hurt me, you let others hurt me. And to me a parent should be a protector.

But I am not here to place blame, or to hurt.

I think we have a lot in common. I think we are both cowards.
I am to afraid to tell anyone how I feel, I feel cowariss for feeling this way. for missing a man who does not love me. who made me, then left to make something better.

You are afraid to be my father.

I dont think that this will ever change. but for my sake. I hope I can learn to live with this fact.

Your Daughter