Dear Dad

This is a writing, I have been thinking about for a while, I have tried the best  I can to portray my feelings.


Dear Dad.

I am not writing to you because I want to hurt you, or embarass you.
I have had those thoughts, but that's not how I feel now. I now feel sad, sad that we couldn't know each other, sad that our relationship ended so soon, and even started so late in my life.

You see, I was never hurt that we never knew each other while I was young. I had a full life. When we did finally meet I wasnt mad either. I wanted to learn about you, look at you, get to know you, and see what parts of you, were in me.
I instantly had a connection with you, a chemical connection. Your blood runs in my body. If it were not for you, I would not be here, litterally.

There are many differences between being a father and being a dad. And although you are biologically my father, you were never my dad. And when we met I wanted you to be.

I am not going to say, that I am not hurt. Because that would be a lie.
The circumstances that led to our falling apart, were large and out of my control.
Everyday, I think about you, I dont tell others about these thoughts, because to them, you are a memory, a mistake. And I let them think that, Because in a way, I should feel this way.
You left me. Twice. You hurt me, you let others hurt me. And to me a parent should be a protector.

But I am not here to place blame, or to hurt.

I think we have a lot in common. I think we are both cowards.
I am to afraid to tell anyone how I feel, I feel cowariss for feeling this way. for missing a man who does not love me. who made me, then left to make something better.

You are afraid to be my father.

I dont think that this will ever change. but for my sake. I hope I can learn to live with this fact.

Your Daughter

A living Nightmare - my journey through Post pardum depression

Post Pardum is one of those things, like losing a parent, child, or loved one, or getting a serious illness, you don't really understand it unless you yourself, have experienced it.

I always looked at depression as a choice that a person makes. That they were choosing to be sad, to lose interest in their hobbies, for whatever reason, they just wanted attention.. That is, until I found myself, the happiest I had ever been, completely exhausted, running out of fuel, drowning into myself. 

I was ashamed, I could not tell my husband, grandmother or friends, although the ones who truly knew me, already knew. 

I had never felt so loved by my husband, or my friends. The people I was so afraid to to tell that I was sad, were the ones that were there for me. To let me cry, for no reason, to let me take naps, to let me talk..

It was the longest two weeks of my life. I ended up losing so much weight, not talking, not sleeping, not eating, just sitting around, sometimes crying, and not understanding what was happening to me.

Having Austin was the happiest thing that ever happened, and I never once wished I hadn't had him. But that is where the shame came from. I was afraid that if people thought I was PPD, then they would also think I didn't love my newborn.

So many emotions ran through me, I missed being pregnant, having a human inside my belly, feeling this body within mine, the feeling that no matter where I was, I was never alone. 

Two years later, and very happy in my life, I look back, and now write it all down. I am sad for that girl, who was sad. 

After almost two weeks I did go to the doctors, they told me that medication could be taken to help me, and I was to the point where I WANTED, and NEEDED help, I wanted to be my old self again.. But I would have to stop nursing, and then .. Guilt. Washed over me. I did not want to give that up.

Austin was born c-section, so a huge part of me, already felt like I had let him down, not being the first to hold him, or to see his eyes as I pushed him out. I was guilty that I could not deliver my child naturally.

I decided to think about it, and luckily I did, because one day it was like the first day of Spring. I was just normal again, or as normal as I ever was. I could eat, my appetite, my sense of humor, my smile, they were back. It was one of the more relieving days of my life..

I do not know what caused my hormones to balance themselves out, but they did. And looking back at one of the most confusing two weeks ever, I think there is a lot to learn. 

I want to be there for those who are going through it, and let them know that it is not their fault. 

Doctors offices do not spend anytime telling you that it may happen, I was completely unprepared, it just came one day and scared the hell out of me. 

More time and awareness needs to be spent, so that women do not feel so alone.